Martha Stewart, MMA Fighter

Sheri Moon Zombie commandeered the attention of all the guys at the gala. She plucked bacon-wrapped scallops from obsequious waiters' trays as she spoke in an almost clinical way about the benefits of transcendental meditation. Every time Sheri had another black-tie clad gentleman following her like a puppy dog, Martha Stewart become more enraged. Martha cornered Sheri and asked, "How about we divvy up all the single men at this soiree?"

"You're on a collision course little missy if you think I'm going to share these billionaires with you," snapped Sheri.

"Stay away from Petey - he was recently conscripted into the Air Force and he's all mine. If I see you near him, I'm gonna punch you in the nose," warned Martha.

"Say what, you old bag?" Sheri intoned.

Martha tackled Sheri and they crashed to the ground. Martha quickly assumed mount position and tried the old ground and pound but after a wrenching transition, Sheri shrimped out the side and got Martha's back! Suddenly, Joe Rogan came running over, handed someone his champagne, and began calling the fight. Sheri got Martha in the cobra clutch as a crowd gathered. More people came over when they saw something fishy was going on near the wild goose and truffles buffet. Sheri began calling Martha names in meticulously bad taste. They took a quick timeout as people around them yelled suggestions for the next round. Rob Zombie massaged Sheri's shoulders and a butler slapped a cold steak on her eye to ease the swelling from a stinging right hook. Martha gulped a martini but it had a flavor like ice-cold oyster liquor. Martha felt a rising tide of anger coursing through her veins as she leapt towards Sheri and knocked her out with a roundhouse kick to the temple. Sheri lay bloodied atop a pile of shrimp cocktail and broken glass. Martha Godzilla'd the team of security guards who came to break up the fight and she sauntered off into the sunset.

President Ozzy

According to my crystal ball, America will welcome a new king in January of 2021. America determines we needed a new political system and voted to use Britain's system. Here comes the first king of America: Ozzy Osbourne. On a lark, he put his name into the race and won handily. And now is his grand coronation - plenty of celebrities like the band Anthrax and Iron Maiden in attendance. Somehow, Ozzy outfoxed Biden and Trump. As soon as Ozzy started rocking out at rallies, his campaign roared to life. In a holy cow moment, Sharon was named Queen. This created a hornet's nest of other problems: voting, whether to use the White House, and so on. Ozzy's inauguration speech was nothing like the breezy style of Barack Obama or Donald Trump's blowhard bloviation. Once crowned king of America, Ozzy was racked with indecision at every turn. He was nothing like the usual buttoned-up politician and soon his high approval rating petered out. During his first national speech on the telly, he performed a paean to himself: Mama I'm Coming Home. He offered a potted history of America as reason for him becoming king. When the angry crowds overran his palace in Hollywood, he and Sharon hightailed it back to England.

Bellatrix Lestrange Scares Another One Away

When Anderson Cooper saw his blind date, he made a hairpin turn and ran down 52nd Street flailing his arms. He looked back in horror and saw a woman dressed completely in black with intense eyes and sparks flying out of her wand. She caught up with him six blocks away and after a bruising battle, dragged him into the upscale sushi restaurant, Nobu. Once they settled down and were seated next to a misty waterfall, it was an apropros time for Anderson to ask his date her name.

The figure in black cackled deliriously and said slowly, "Bellatrix Lestrange."

Anderson stiffened and said, "Well, that certainly puts a black eye on our date. You're the evil witch from Hogwarts!"

Bellatrix rolled her eyes with disgust and tore into her seafood ceviche. Anderson dialed up the energy to ask, "Ummm... what do you like to do.. ahhh... when you're not ummm...casting spells?"

The sorceress drained a tankard of sake, twirled inaniwa noodles with chopsticks, and said, "Torture, dark spells, mayhem...ya' know, general unrest."

"How about we soften the rhetoric, a bit," said Anderson, as he noshed some expertly-prepared baby corn honey truffle.

"I have a better idea, my little silver fox, let's share some cuddles in the grotto in the VIP area," she said with a coy smile. 

"You know, you're much less inimical when you've had a few drinks, my dear," said Anderson softly.

After an hour in the hot tub, and a few rounds of cocktails, Bellatrix Lestrange, the mistress of dark magic, was doling out hugs and advice to Anderson.

"Anderson, why the hell would you want to be a mendacity peddler anyway?" she asked.

She fed him pan-seared halibut with grilled shrimp tostada as they splashed in the private pool.

"Why do you have such deeply-seated mistrust of the media?" asked Anderson.

She downed her lychee mango martini and answered in slurred speech, "I turned evil because of all the chaos-spewing politicians in Paris."

Anderson wasn't touching his dry-aged tomahawk ribeye steak or grilled octopus choclo salsa. 

"You're quite persnickety about your food aren't you?" she said while sampling his entree poolside. 

Anderson looked at her lovingly and said, "Marry me!"

After a pregnant pause, Bellatrix Lestrange belched and said, "Why not." Anderson hopped out of the tub and began singing "Memories" from the musical Cats while frolicking about. A look of disgust spread across Bellatrix's face and said, "Actually, no thanks. I want to stay single." She stood and swept a towel over her shoulders and left. Anderson cried unconsolably in the grotto - alone with a sizzling uni yaki next to him. 

*****
Color words: hairpin turn, bruising battle, apropros, put a black eye on, dialed up the energy to, tankard, soften the rhetoric, nosh, coy, grotto, doled out, mendacity, inimical, deeply-seated mistrust, frolicking, chaos-strewing, persnickety

Return of the Swamp Thing

Adrienne Barbeau, star of the cult movie classic, Swamp Thing, recently moved from L.A. to Charlton, MA. She was recently divorced and on the prowl for a new man. On Sunday morning, she brought her son to his youth soccer game. It was there she first laid eyes upon Mr. Renny, a tall, athletic man in his early fifties. Adrienne's girlfriend said he recently lost his wife to an unfortunate crockpot explosion. He ran triathlons and was independently wealthy from a red-hot internet business. Adrienne was on him like a trout on a butter worm.

"Hi, Mr. Renny," she purred.

"Call me Jasper."

"Look Jasper, I'm looking for a handsome man like yourself for a simpatico relationship - I'm so, so lonely."

Throughout the game, she toyed with her new love interest mercilously. By the end of the game, she had ciphoned $10,000 from his bank account by peering over his shoulder and memorizing his password on his phone. He helped her into her mini-van and she said, "You need an exigent woman like me."

Adrienne flashed her swamp thing tattoo on the side of her neck and Jasper stood agog.

"Swamp Thing - that's where I've seen you before! That's my favorite movie!" he said. "How about we meet for lunch alfresco at Luigi's at 1pm?

They enjoyed a wonderful lunch - she was rosewater in her demeanor. He loved her short-cropped, rainbow-dyed hair. When she returned from the ladies' room, he noted her strut set many mens' tongues wagging. She rejiggered the vase of tulips so she could look into Jasper's eyes as they imbibed on Singapore Slings.

Jasper's phone twanged as he received a text warning him against Adrienne: she's a scam artist and already bilked him of a small fortune.

When he broached the subject with Adrienne, she gainsayed all accusations. He became increasingly suspicious of his new love when he saw all of the clap back from her when he questioned her. A gruff-looking detective approached their table and informed Adrienne she was under arrest and needed to place her hands behind her back. Jasper looked up at the detectives and cried, "But she is mi amor."

"Well, your amor isn't Adrienne Barbeau - she's an imposter - this is Adrienne Benson from Milwaukee. She has a wanton, psychopathic disregard for decency," said Detective R.T. Bones. He escorted her to a waiting cruiser and before the door slammed shut Adrienne said, "Au revoir, Jasper."

*****
Color words: like a trout to a butter worm (Blacklist tv series), purr, simpatico, toyed with, ciphon, exigent, alfresco, gainsay, rejigger, set tongues wagging, short-cropped rainbow-dyed hair, wanton psychopathic disregard for, rosewater, imbibe, bilk

On the Road with Metallica

James Hetfield flashed a craggy smile at Lars. "Pay me twelve hundred bucks! You landed on Marvin Gardens and I have a hotel."

"Lars, you shouldn't have bought all those worthless railroads - now you're short on cash," tisked Kirk Hammet, looking scarecrow thin and with hollow eyes.

Robert Trujillo lit up a Padron Maduro 1964-edition cigar as he organized his play money into tidy piles. Lars wined, "Why do you have to light up that stinky thing?"

"It's my only giddy pleasure on the road," said Robert as he savored a deep, smooth draw.

Kirk rolled his eyes and said, "Well, it's not the only proclivity that annoys us."

"Really? How else do I bug you?"

"You're eating habits are disgusting!" said Kirk. "Yesterday, you were hawking greasy shish-kabobs on the tour bus and today you were munching salmon tartare cornets at breakfast."

"Yeah, Robert - when you auditioned, you were really cool, but as soon as we got on the road, you adopted a comical air of smugness," said James.

Lars jumped on the bandwagon. "Plus, you've become an eyesore - you've packed on some extra pounds and I have to look at your sweaty bubble butt every damned night on stage. The truth is... we've been talking and we've decided to fire you from the band."

Robert began sobbing uncontrollably. "Please, no! I love this band - joining Metallica has been the piece de resistance of my career. You pay me oodles of money to do what I love, we travel the world, and sell millions of records." Robert's complexion turned seasick green. He buried his face into his hands. The band sat in silence around the Monopoly board. Suddenly, James, Kirk, and Lars burst out laughing. Robert looked up - his face stained with crocodile tears. "You bastards!" he yelled as he chased after his band mates who were running away in hysterics.

*****
Color words: craggy, tisked, scarecrow thin with hollow eyes, giddy pleasures, proclivities, hocking shish-kabobs, salmon tartare cornets, adopted a comical air of smugness, eyesore, piece de resistance, oodles, seasick green

Dinner with the Karate Hottie

Michelle Waterson sampled a juicy mango at a bodega near Faneuil Hall in Boston, on the eve of, UFC 161. You may know her sobriquet, "the Karate Hottie." Most of her fans don't realize she's also a leading wine maven. She went to dinner at a beautiful outdoor cafe in the North End with her husband. They ordered an $800 bottle of wine, but the waiter served them some swill. She took one sip and spit it out. Her eyes filled with poison and she yelled, "You'll rue the day you served me that piss!" She leaped over her table and grabbed Giuseppe by the scruff of the neck and screamed, "Do you take me for some rube?"

The tuxedoed man apologized profusely and ordered her a roasted Boston lobster with shiro ponzu butter, free of charge. She gobbled up the dinner, but it didn't temper her rage. When the waiter returned, she planted a sweeping roundhouse kick to the side of the head sending him over the rail. He bounced off the pavement and she said, "Whoopsie! I bet you have a waning sex drive, too - hah?"

"Don't you ever give me and my hubby short-shrift me again, little man," said Michelle. Every customer in the cafe was atwitter at the brouhaha. She gave them all the stink eye and said, "Have I satiated your need to pry into other people's business? It was absolute malfeasance that Mayor Walsh ever allowed this establishment to get a license." Her doting husband slipped Michelle's jacket over her shoulders with languid ease. As she left, she palmed a handful of dried fruits and crudites off of an elderly couple's table, shot a few of them into her mouth, and snarled at everyone staring at her as she left the establishment.

*****
Color words: bodega, sobriquet, maven, rue the day, eyes filled with poison, rube, gobbled, brouhaha, stink eye, shiso ponzu butter, waning, whoopsie, short-shrift, atwitter, satiate, malfeasance, languid, dried fruits & crudites

Chimichanga Champ

Ani Difranco's national tour was countermanded by the pandemic. With no income, she was hurtled into uncharted territory: working at Taco Tico in downtown Buffalo. She applied for the manager position, but her interview didn't go so well because the interviewer was Karl Rove. They ended their heated exchange on a conciliatory note: she would be hired as an assistant manager. As soon as she got on the floor, the customers came in flocks - mostly, her most ardent lackeys. She was irate during her first shift: the unchecked horrors of hard-shelled peppercorns in the meat, sneers from obnoxious customers, oh-so-obvious mistakes by the staff, and ill-founded recommendations from upper management. By closing time, Ani felt as if she was on a ship that had capsized - lettuce was strewn on the floor and coils of receipts still had to be counted. They locked the front door and turned up the music of John Prine, the raspy-voiced heartland troubadour. Ani took her staff on a jaunt through the store to teach them how to improve for the next shift. Her dreams of a successful first shift fizzled but she was able to learn from the staff's many foibles. Within a week, Ani led an ebullient shift and she even sang "Napoleon" for some horrified customers.

*****
Color words: countermand, hurtled into uncharted territory, conciliatory, lackey, unchecked horrors, sneer, oh-so-obvious mistakes, ill-founded, capsize, raspy-voiced heartland troubadour, jaunt, foible, fizzle, ebullient 

Snozzberry

Willy Wonka skulked around his chocolate factory for months after Mrs. Gloop refused to take his calls. Mr. Gloop showed up at the factory in full German regalia and told him about the impending breakup with Mrs. Gloop. Being a skilled tactician, Willy decided to pursue Mrs. Gloop for a date. He knew the relationship would be challenging with so much emotional territory to traverse. Mrs. Gloop finally agreed to meet Willy for sushi, cocktails, and a movie. By all accounts, it was a whiz-bang first date - they stared into one another's eyes for hours before kissing goodnight. Mrs. Gloop fell in love with the snappy minded chocolatier. She hardly mentioned her ex-husband and his farcical over-sized mustache. For their second date, Willy brought Mrs. Gloop to a jazz club and they took in a set by Miles Davis, the progeniter of modern jazz. Davis was sheathed in black and stood with his back to the audience as he played. The couple drank snozzberry cosmopolitans throughout the show. While riding home in a taxi, they made the back windows opaque with their heavy petting. Willy burst into song -  an old sea shanty he learned as a boy. Mrs. Gloop touched Willy's ruggedly handsome face and said, "My dear, why don't you sell that cockamamie chocolate factory and move in with me and Augustus? We have plenty of beer and schnitzel." Willy told the driver to stop the car immediately. Willy yelled, "I would never leave my factory - we're through!" He stormed out of the car and she sat alone whimpering as she watched his plummy coattails disappear into the moonlit night.

*****
Color words: skulk, in full regalia, skilled tactician, traverse, whiz-bang, snappy minded, farcical over-sized mustache, progeniter, sheathed in black, opaque, shanty, ruggedly handsome, cockamamie, schnitzel, pointedly, whimper, plummy

Gilligan's Regret

Mary-Ann sat at the communal table for breakfast. She was her usual effervescent self. Gilligan arrived and announced to the other six castaways that he had great news. The professor looked up with a mix of fanfare and skepticism.

"I just remembered that my ex-boyfriend presaged our getting shipwrecked," said Gilligan.

"Wait - you're gay?" asked Ginger.

"Yes. I met Monty when I joined a cadre of political activists in Miami," said Gilligan.

Mr. Howell piped up and said, "Gilligan, usually you bore us with jabberwocky but you're starting to sound more intelligent."

"I was the president of the national association of human rights - but I left," Gilligan said.

"Why'd you leave? asked Mrs. Howell as she sipped coffee from a halved coconut.

"The organization became a landscape of crumbling trust," he responded.

"Fighting for human rights is nothing to go wobbly on little buddy," said the Skipper.

"In retrospect, I should've stayed. I suppose it was my first tart sip of adulthood," said Gilligan.

The skipper dipped a pinlobble leaf into maple syrup and said, "Maybe this is hokey but I was once the president of my high school band."

Mrs. Howell milled about waiting for her tea water to boil on the open flame and said excitedly, "Why skipper, I was a majorette in my high school!"

"That's right!" said Thurston. "I remember ogling my lovey during the half-time show - the best days of my life. And look at us now - stranded with no hope in sight."

Mrs. Thurston put an arm on her wealthy beau's shoulder and said, "But look at all we've created."

"I guess you're right, my little sugar pop," he said.

Maryann scribbled tonight's dinner menu on a rough-hewn placard: bouillabaisse and charcuterie. And chocolate covered grasshoppers, spiders and a garden of other grisly delights. "Dinner is at 5pm sharp everyone - our appetizer is seaweed salad with a sauce crafted from lingonberries Gilligan and I foraged on the other side of the island," she said with a smile.

*****
Color words: effervescent, mix of fanfare & skepticism, presage, cadre, jabberwocky, landscape of crumbling trust, wobbly, first tart sip of adulthood, hokey, bouillabaisse, charcuterie, ogle, rough-hewn, beau, lingonberries, milled

Hooper and the Hussy

Ellen Brody peered at Martin as he got out of bed. He was whip thin. She wasn't the only person to think it was head-tiltingly odd that he - chief of police of Amity, a beach town, was afraid of the ocean. She liked her Amity friends - they were a far cry from her ribald neighbors back in the Bronx. Martin didn't realize Ellen had an affair with the handsome scientist, Matt Hooper, just a month before. If her secret ever came out she planned to grovel for forgiveness. Martin handed her a cup of coffee and smiled in an unctuous way - she had always been the love of his life. Although their love life had grown frosty recently, she liked being the wife of the chief of police - she considered her oceanfront home to be a bastion from all the problems she left behind. 

Ellen served a dollop of briny fish eggs on Martin's toast. He sampled a spoonful and smacked his lips approvingly. Martin squashed the rumors about Ellen and Hooper. However, in a telling interchange between Ellen and Patty, her best friend, Ellen changed the subject as soon as Hooper's name came up. It was easy to be seduced by Mr. Hooper - athletic, brilliant, and tanned. But it was devilishly difficult to have a roll in the hay with the cranky fisherman, Quint. She had a voracious appetite. Ellen got a sense of inchoate danger once Martin suspected her of having relations with the great captain of the Orca. The Brodys' relationship had its ups and downs but their difficulties were fomented by the enormous stress that overcame Brody once the shark came to town. As soon as her husband, Quint and Hooper hit the high seas to catch the shark, she propositioned Deputy Hendricks and Ben Gardner. She even bought old Harry with the bad hat a drink at the Amity soiree. She told him she wanted to take a trip with him and the next day old Harry whisked Ellen away for a secret getaway to the jungly majesty of Cambodia.

Color words: whip thin, head-tiltingly odd, ribald, grovel, unctuous, frosty, bastion, briny fish eggs, smacked his lips, squashed rumors, interchange, devilishly difficult, unrest fomented by, inchoate danger, soiree, jungly majesty 

Scarlett's Shamefully Shocking Secret

Scarlett Johannson sat on the steps of the Old Orchard police station with a surly expression. She had just been arrested for getting into a scrum at the amusement park. In addition, Scarlett was surrepticiously collecting tickets from kids wanting to get on the bumper cars, even though she wasn't an employee. The fact that she took the tickets and sold them for cash was sobering. The cops swooped in and questioned Scarlett. She said they didn't have one scintilla of proof and since the police was saddled with more serious investigations, they let her go. Seeing the inside of a jail cell stoked Scarlett's fears of going down the wrong path. Her fried dough addiction was a subject rarely broached by her staff. Her usual focused approach to acting often became scattershot when she didn't get her fix. Hardly anyone knew of her debilitating preoccupation with cinnamon sugar fried dough - not even co-stars of her most seminal movie, The Avengers. During shooting, she was straight-laced and professional but if she didn't have at least a dozen fried dough every day, she simply huddled in a corner of the set shaking with laughter. Once, Robert Downey, Jr. sniggered upon seeing her sneak her sumptuous snack and she simply stiffened beside him, fighting the urge to smack him silly.

*****
Color words: surly, scrum, surrepticious, sobering, swooped in, scintilla, saddled, stoke, subject rarely broached, scattershot, seminal, straight-laced, shaking with laughter, snigger, sumptuous, stiffen

Elvira's Love Muffin

The couple walked arm and arm past a busy market with boisterous hollers of fishmongers. They dined at an upscale restaurant overlooking the ocean.

"Are you enjoying that hearty stew, my little love muffin?" asked Elvira.

Warren Buffet looked up from his chowder and admired his date's beauty.

"Ya' know I thought you were gonna be persnickety - but you're a lot of fun, poopsie," said the striking woman dressed all in black with pasty complexion. "I have an idea - how about you tell me which stocks I should buy."

"Well, that would be flouting a great many laws," he explained.

"Laws, shmaws - I want to make a billion bucks!" she said with a grin.

After their date, Elvira invited her sugar daddy back to her haunted mansion. Warren looked concerned as he entered. Her living room was chock-a-block with carousel horses and gaudy amusement arcade machines. There was food moldering on the counter and rats scurrying in the kitchen.

"This is mess, Elvira!" said Warren.

"Sugar plum, I don't want to be excoriated by you!" she said.

"This disgusting house has brought this date to a juddering halt - it's even starting to sow panic in me. It's dicey for sure. At dinner, you shared nothing but vapid stories about old horror movies. I don' like horror and I certainly don't like your otherworldy decor," he said pointedly.

Elvira collapsed, began weeping, and bellowed, "I'm just a rudderless young woman."

Warren fell to his knees to comfort her. Suddenly, they embraced and began to feel quite randy.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling! Elvira's alarm clock woke her out of a beautiful dream. She was alone in her haunted mansion. She picked up her black cat and said, "Morticia, we'll have to wait a little longer for my true love, Warren Edward Buffet, to appear."

*****
Color words: hearty, boisterous hollers of fishmongers, persnickety, flout, chock-a-block, moldering, excoriate, juddering halt, sow panic, dicey, vapid, otherworldly, pointedly, bellowed, rudderless, randy